Health Tips from Somewhere Else...a well known Mens Magazine

 

1. Laugh. Apparently having a funny bone helps. That's it I'm watching Coneheads every week until my wife turns it into a frisbee.
2. Sleep. A good eight hours apparently is what the good doctors order. I'd rather combine exercise & sleep...ie. get laid and then nod off. Certainly improves my mood the next day.
3. Eat breakfast. I had one of those protein shakes I wrote about yesterday for breakfast & I'm still full. I did alter the recipe a little: I used Sustagen, there was no fruit and rather than honey, I used date syrup. I also upped the milk.
4. Crap and then take a long look....oooh, that certainly looks like a turd. Hmmm! I think the bit on the left looks like my brother.....in-law!
5. When your back is killing you...or in my case sciatica...drag your sorry arse out of bed....DO IT NOW!!!
6. Eat all the fruit & veggies your parents had to threaten you with death in order to get you to eat them when you were a kid.
7. Try brushing your teeth more frequently than once a fortnight.
8. Meditate. I meditate daily and to honest there are days when I'd rather take an axe to a planet that seems overly abundant in fuckwits, wankers, showponies, turds, hypocrites and complete fucking arseholes who should just fuck off and manage their own fucking lives before they should their needle brained, dimwitted, inbred fucking opinions into mine....sorry Tourettes Moment. Other than that I can and do use the time for a spot of mental housekeeping....and axe sharpening.
9. Join a Yoga Class. Apparently flexible men get to fuck like horny goats. Women like them.
10. Share your feelings. Mind you, most women I know would be out of a place quicker than a 16 year old can get an erection if the date starts blabbering into his wine about how stressful life is and how his boss just doesn't appreciate him.
11. Stay the FUCK AWAY from the magazines like No...sorry New Idea. Fad diets, don't work. If you've poisoned your liver that fucking much it needs cleansing/detoxing, then for fucks sake man up & join the queue for a replacement. Also it isn't rocket science...eat less, exercise more.
12. Help your doctor pay off his house....or how to live happily as a hypochondriac. Once you are over 40 make sure the numbers with cholesterol, BMI etc., stay on the postive side.
13. I'm crying as I write this and periodically running around the room screaming NOOOOOOO!!!!! Give up the beer. Take up drinking high grade spirits instead. I can buy Grappa that hids the tonsils at 50% pv. Mind you, the last time I deepened my friendship with my Italian friend I ended up multi-tasking and doing it whilst asleep.....passed out on the bathroom floor and at the top of the shitlist with my wife.
14. Make serious efforts to lose the belly. The bigger your belly the less chance you will get laid and the bigger the chance that you will drop off the perch sooner than you otherwise might.
15. Green Tea. Fuck it, man I like my tea like I like my women....deep brown and sweet. I remember there being a dieting aid called Ford Pills. The secret, well it wasn't a secret, to their success was that the pills were nearly 100% caffeine. They simply made you so fucking perky that you never felt hungry. So rather than the green variety of tea, I make mine a brownish mud.
16. If you aren't sweating then you aren't working hard enough.
17. Hide your money. Apparently saving reduces stress. And it isn't like you'll be spending much time in front of the TV anyway.
18. Fuck like a Horny Goat. Tell the girlfriend/wife/mistress that the more frequently you get laid the longer you'll live. 
19. Develop a plan to lose weight. Unless you are already stick thin we all need to lose a couple of kg.
20. Do weights...and I don't mean lifting a beer glass. K-Mart stocks weights. I'm lifting a combination of 2 & 10 kg.
21. Eat nuts. This is problematic as nuts are incredibly rich in fats. Macadamia Nuts can and do go rancid. So if you are wanting to lose weight, then go easy on the nuts.
22. Fondle yourself. I said FONDLE not WANK. Check your goolies for anything unusual. If in doubt, check it out.
23. Dance. I figure the guy who was compiling this list was either running out of stuff to write about or gay.
24. Yep, this is proof, he's repeating himself. Exercise....frequently! Apparently it helps with getting erections....not that I have much trouble.
25.  Learn to cook. Now this makes sense. Few things get a man into bed with a woman than the ability to cook something reasonably complicated.