I have no relationship with my father Raymond Thomas Bowater. I haven't spoken to him in over 4 years and the last time I did shortly after my own sons birth it was both incredibly awkward and short. How do you talk to someone who completely disapproves of who you are and the people you love? Who knows the low opinion you hold of him?
The answer for me is: I can't.
Despite this I find myself longing to have a conversation with my father.
I want to talk with my father about the joys of finally being a father after the long years of grieving for the children I thought, with good reason, would be forever denied to me.
Hello Dad. How are you?
Dad: Fine for an old man. How are you?
Me: Wanting and needing a chat.
Me: Dad, Ariel is a complete reality check.
D: Yes. Children ground you in surprising ways.
M: He is so in the moment, so immediate.
D: And that is what makes them so wonderful to be with.
M: Yes. No matter how awful the people I've been researching, being with Ariel and his friends is always a reminder of why I oppose and will fight the political Islam that is poisoning so much of what is so good. They are the breath of fresh air and complete change of mindset that I need.
D: (Laughing) I imagine they are.
D: It seems, my son, that you have finally found what it is that you have spent so long searching for.
M: Yes. There are times when I look at Ariel and I struggle to accept that he is real. I look at this little boy and just lose myself in the wonder that is him. Selina often remarks that had I left this lifetime without becoming a father that there would have been a deep sense of unfulfilment in me. My ex-wife has, apparently, never appreciated the depth of the sacrifice I made in order to be married to her after she ruled out children.
D: Yes, of course, I forget that you were divorced. How was that for you? I found it very hard.
M: Hard isn't quite the word I would use. I ripped my world apart and then put it back together. I found the death of the hopes and dreams I had had with Seesee to be sad beyond words. I refused to let them die until it was beyond obvious that they were gone.
The utter change in my social circle was well and truly needed. Selina mentioned a deep sense of frustration in me when we met that first time. I took to resolving that frustration with a vengeance. Within 3 years I had ended 99% of the friendships I had at the time I met Selina. The era in this lifetime where I was going to accept anything other than equality in my friendships was over. I also left the temples I had spent so much time in. That was hard. I had invested so much time in them, invested so much of my self identification in them and to accept that their time, like the time of my marriage to Seesee, was over, was very hard.
I changed so much and did it so quickly that the people who had always "known me" were left looking at someone they had no clue could even exist, let alone could unleash a whirlwind of deep change in their lives. And then I left. I left deeply angry and vowing never to return. They glimpsed the beginning of the profound change.
The relationship with Seesee has been strange to be honest. I know that she took the ending of the marriage very hard. Suddenly being dumped for a woman almost a third of your age has to be a kick in the goolies. Still she seems to have dealt with it. She adores Ariel and that cuts her a lot of slack in my books. She isn't the easiest of people to live with. Negotiation doesn't seem to be part of the her makeup. Having said this, I never stopped loving her.
D: That sounds really quite positive. I've found the years since your mother and I divorced to be different. I don't think we ever really liked each other. We were little more than kids when we married. We weren't at all well matched and I think everyone paid the price for that.
M: We did. Some of us more than others. Mark and Christopher seem to have paid the highest price. I can't really speak for the others.
D: You sound different.
M: I do. I'm told the change is due to four years of studying Indonesian and being at University.
D: Being at Uni and studying Indonesian has changed your accent?
M: Yep. In order to pronounce Indonesian properly I've had to be clearer in my English. Less mumbling for a start. Also Universities mess with how you think. There is a complete change in our thinking methodology. I've been taught to think clearer. Things are better organised in my head.
D: I guess given the amount of essay writing that you've had to do that this is entirely fair. You were also seriously ill in 2012?
M: Yeah I nearly died. I picked up Salmonella from somewhere.
D: How has that affected you?
M: I have a deep interest in health and fitness. Salmonella left me with chemical intolerances, I can't touch MSG in any shape or form, so anything from 620-50 on a food label and I can't eat it and the vegetable fennel gives me migraines. So my diet these days is completely junk food free and often organic vegetarian.
D: It's been good chatting.
M: A shame we can't do it in real life.
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